Monday, February 27, 2006

Scene 214: Pampered Chef Party

I'm at my friend Vanessa's house.. she's having a Pampered Chef party. The soccer mom doing the demonstrations sees me and says:

Soccer mom: Do people ask you how tall you are all the time?
Me: Yup, all the time.

I'm thinking this is where it's going to end... I kinda have to give her props for having the forethought to realize that I get asked all the time. Good critical thinking skills there, lady. BUT THEN, with deliberate indifference to the conversation we just had, she goes ahead and asks anyway!.....

Soccer mom: How tall ARE YOU?
Me: 6'5"
Soccer mom: Wow, you're so tall.

Thanks for the update, asshat.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Scene 213: Sbarro's

I'm buying my nephew pizza at the food court, when this guy literally runs out of the back kitchen area toward us and goes:

Wacky foreigner: Your height is seven foot??
Me: No....
Wacky foreigner: It's not? (totally puzzled..)
Me: No.

He turned and went back to the kitchen with his head hanging down. I think he probably lost some kind of bet.

Scene 212: Parking Lot

I'm walking to my car after lunch w/ a friend. There's a black guy walking toward us who says:

Black guy: Woah, how tall are you?!
Me: 6'5"
Black guy: GOD DAMN!

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Scene 211: Court Lobby

I'm walkling into work and I stop to say something to the girls at the customer service desk. A pudgy guy coming in behind me bumps into me and says:

Pudgy guy: (in awe, in an overstated tone of voice) Oh my gosh, I'm SO sorry.
Me: It's okay.
Pudgy guy: (still in awe-struck, overstated tone) No REALLY. Please forgive me. (Pause) Woah... did you play basketball?
Me: No.
Pudgy guy: WHAT? You NEVER played basketball?? I can't believe it!
Me: Nope. Never. Sorry.

I left him with a totally dumbfounded expression. I guess in his mind he was trying to process how on earth I could be so tall and not be a basketball player.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Scene 210: Bank

I'm filling out a deposit slip at the counter, when I feel eyes staring at me from behind. I turn around to go see the teller, and this little girl, about 9 years-old, is being dragged along by her mom while staring at me in awe. She finally breaks her silence and releases what's been apparently burning her from within for several seconds now...

Little girl: (As loudly and as clearly as possible.) Mommy, she's tall!
Mom: Yes, she is.

I just looked at her and smiled, to let her know she was heard.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Scene 209: Court

So this defense attorney rolls into court like 3 hours late and I get called down to handle his case. We hash out a deal and walk up to ask the bailiff to go get the judge. All of a sudden the lawyer realizes how tall I am:

Defense lawyer: Man, you are SO tall!
Me: That's very observant.
Defense lawyer: I just can't get over how tall you are! I've never seen a woman that tall. You are freakin' tall!
Me: Yeah, I know.
Defense lawyer: Your parents HAVE TO be tall.
Me: My mom is 5'4" actually.
Defense lawyer: No way, how tall is your dad?
Me: He was 6'4".
Defense lawyer: So that's where you got your height from.
Me: I don't know... I'm still taller.
Defense lawyer: You played volleyball, huh?
Me: Yes.
Defense lawyer: Were you good?
Me: No.
Defense lawyer: You played basketball, huh?
Me: No.
Me: No, never.
Defense lawyer: Can you dunk?
Me: I don't know. I never tried. Probably not.
Defense lawyer: I can't believe you didn't play basketball. What a waste!
Me: What, I can't be tall just for the sake of being elegant and graceful? I gotta be tall so I can play basketball or else it's a waste?
Defense lawyer: I can't answer that. I'd get in trouble for sexual harassment. I just can't get over the fact that you never played basketball! What a waste of talent!
Me: Sorry I wasted my time on academic pursuits instead, like going to college and law school. Man, you're right, what a waste!
Defense lawyer: You married or have a boyfriend?
Me: Yeah, I'm married.
Defense lawyer: How tall is he?
Me: 6'6"
Defense lawyer: So when are we gonna go out and play some hoops?
Me: I don't know.. you'd have to teach me how to play.

That was about the extent of the conversation. Man, what a tool. I found out later he's the son of a very prominent sherriff here in town. No wonder he was so mouthy.

Scene 208: Parking Lot

An overweight homeless lady is yelling out to my friend and me from across the parking lot as we're getting into my car.

Fat bum: Hey! Hey you!

My friend makes the mistake of noticing, stopping and asking the bum if she's talking to us.

Fat bum: Woah, you're tall!
Me: Yeah, I know.
Fat bum: How tall are you?
Me:6'5" (rolling eyes, getting into car...)
Fat bum: Hey, wait, do you have a buck so I can get something to eat?
Me: [[SIGH]]

I don't know why I gave her a buck, but I did. Maybe to get her to leave me alone? In retrospect, it pisses me off that she expected money on top of height stats. It should be one or the other, right?

Monday, February 06, 2006

Scene 207: Hamburger Mary's

So we're at this gay-friendly restaurant/bar, and they just got done showing The Rocky Horror Picture Show. This gay kid who was trying to get us on some mailing list sees me stand up, and says:

Gay kid: Oh my gosh, you're so tall!
Me: Yup.
Gay kid: What are you like, 6'2" or 6'3"?
Me: No, 6'5"
Gay kid: Are you wearing heels?
Me: No.
Gay kid: Wow, I love tall people! I do. I'm really good at guessing heights too. I used to work at Circus Circus at the guess your height booth, and I always loved tall people.

Hmmm.. for loving tall people so much, he certainly was no height expert. Now me, on the other hand... I could make a fortune guessing people's heights.

Scene 206: Superbowl Party

I'm at a friend's Superbowl Party. I go to the kitchen to get more soda. This other guest sees me and says:

Partygoer #1: Hey, what professional women's basketball team do you play for?!"
Me: Guess.
Partygoer #1: Los Angeles?
Me: No...
Partygoer #2: Las Vegas...
Me: Las Vegas doesn't have a women's basketball team!
Partygoer #1: Arizona?
Me: No...
Partygoer #1: But you do play for one, right? I knew it.
Me: No actually, I don't. Sorry.
Partygoer #1: Awe man. Hey, can I stand next to you?
Me: Sure. (I was in social mode, and he was a friend of a friend, so why not?)
Partygoer #1: Wow.. do you have a boyfriend or husband here?
Me: I have a husband, but he's not here.
Partygoer #1: Can I put my arm around you and introduce you to my friends as my new girfriend?
Me: Sure, why not? (He got points for asking for permission before just manhandling me.)

So we go outside and he introduces me as his new girlfriend. All of his friends were just floored. They kissed my hand and told me I was beautiful, so that was cool... except for the man-drool leftover on my hand.

Scene 205: Court

Wow, it's been like a month since I last posted, huh? Don't worry, the tall-comments haven't stopped. I just haven't been posting. Sorry.. just got overwhelmed with other things I guess. Hope someone's still out there reading. If not, oh well, here goes my therapy session for today...

First, some background. The reason they call "passing the bar," "passing the bar" is because in a courtroom, there is always a partition with a little door that separates the audience (aka lay people) section from the court officer section. Typically, you can only go past that partition if you A) are a lawyer, or B) are invited to do so by a lawyer. In all other situations, it's the bailiff's job to tackle you if you try and get past that partition.

So I'm in court last Friday, negotiating cases with attorneys on the attorney-side of the courtroom. I am in the middle of discussing a case with an attorney, when I notice a black lady in a flannel shirt standing right next to the prosecution table, looming, no more than 3 inches from me. She's looking at me, obviously wanting to talk to me.

Me: Hi, can I help you w/ something?
Partition jumper: Yes, I have a question to ask you.
Me: Ok... go ahead. (thinking it's about a case)
Partition jumper: How tall are you?
Me: Are you kidding? Is that really what you came all the way over here to ask me?
Partition jumper: Yes.
Me: 6'5". Is that all?
Partition jumper: Yes.

Then she goes back to her seat in the audience. I just have one question: where the hell were the bailiffs?? This girl had no idea what she was doing.. like curiosity and the cat. I really wish they would have tackled her.